xenopus - super cute! [19 May 2012|12:18pm] srs Come out of the shadows.

My last night at home [11 May 2012|11:23am] It's so weird. I was expecting it to be more dramatic. But it's not. I think this would be less weird if my room remained my room. It's going to be ok. Come out of the shadows.

I am feeling sad about moving out [08 May 2012|12:29pm] While I am happy, I am sad. As much as I complain about everything, I love my home and I feel sad to be packing up my things. Especially bric-a-brac that's been sitting on the same shelf for the last 10 years. This is My Room. This is My House. This is My Family. And I'm going away. I'm leaving it all behind. That's My Wall. That's My Door. This is My Desk. I want to stay Home. With My Ma and My Dad and My Sister and My Nephews and My Niece, in My Bed looking at My Corkboard reflected in My Mirrors in a room cluttered with My Stuff. I want to stay Home. 2 escapees Come out of the shadows.

Hiya [27 Apr 2012|09:44pm] Doing pretty good. I had a bit of a paradigm shift when I realised my downtimes were completely completely as a result of my PMS. (Maybe not completely, but I did feel way better about it once I confirmed that in my own mind) Will be moving out of home for the first time ever within the next month. Eek! Work's doing ok. Doing ok with family and friends. In general, everything could be a little bit better but could be a whole lot worse so I can't complain. Come out of the shadows.

What Am I Doing With My Life? [15 Apr 2012|12:00am] Hi, it's that time of the year again. --- Copied and pasted from last year Family? I've always had a good relationship with my family. Is it stronger now than it was last year? Probably not, but I have been making sure to leave work earlier so I have more time at home. Will I wish I had spent more time with them in 10 years? Yes. Action: Organise something each month to spend more time with each member of your family. This still applies. Relationships? I am so in love with Matt. And I love his family too. The girls are still wonderful, but I wish I was in touch with them more often. Likewise with the guys from uni. Action: Email the girls weekly. Action: Organise something each month to spend more time with the guys from uni. This still applies. Health? I have lost a lot of weight, and am getting more physically fit. My diet, while not perfect, is becoming more in balance with my lifestyle, and I have made leaps and bounds in the last year. I am also finally actioning out things that have been niggling me for ages - my teeth, my posture for example. Action: No additional action required. This no longer applied. I've gained a lot of weight. I need to get back to exercising again. Action: Get exercise plan in place and implement. Action: Get wisdom teeth pulled. Career? While I have found a better work-life balance. I still find myself floundering a bit, with multiple things going at once. Action: Be more focused on individual tasks at work. This still applies, but I still feel a bit swamped. Action: Find a way to get more work done. Hobbies? Photography has fallen by the wayside a bit, but Toastmasters is still going strong. I wish I had been a better VPPR. Reading did fall down a bit, but I'm slowly picking it up again. Gaming has also fallen over, because I don't seem to value it as much, but I still like to play. The piano hasn't happened at all. Action: Set aside time to work on VPPR stuff more intensively. Action: Set aside time each month to do photography stuff. Action: Set aside time each month to do gaming. Action: Set aside time each month to do piano. This still applies except for VPPR which I am no longer. Action: Set aside time to work on Toastmasters stuff more intensively. Spirituality? I still feel a bit lacking in this department. I still go to church, but beyond that I don't think about this as much as I would like. Action: Set aside time each day for prayer/meditation. --- Ok, seems I'm not as far ahead as I wanted to be. But I feel like I've grown enough in the last year to recognise that what I said in 2010 no longer is true. I don't regret what I did with my life. The reason I wasn't more outgoing or didn't go out for sports was because I'm not outgoing and I don't really enjoy sports. That's not who I am, and I probably would have found myself exhausted because that kind of stuff isn't what motivates me. I've learned more about myself and about human interaction this year, and while I've let some things slide on this list, there are other things that I feel I've needed to focus on and have. No regrets. xo Come out of the shadows.

I have the same birthday as Ask Ketchum! From Pallet Town! [13 Apr 2012|10:12am] http://flavorwire.com/272951/exclusive-infographics-fictional-character-birthday-calendars?all=1 Come out of the shadows.

ARGH [11 Apr 2012|08:11am] We got a cold! Which is okay, because I'd rather be sick at work than sick on holiday. Come out of the shadows.

Melbourne [10 Apr 2012|10:45am] Was great! Really enjoyed it! Highlights: - Geelong Cats v Hawthorn Hawks - Lawrence Leung AND Dead Cat Bounce on one night - Trombone Shorty at the Corner Hotel - AMAZING food, in particular: - Chimmy's in Richmond - Trotters on Lygon Street - Brunetti's (of course) - Seasons Cafe on Lygon Street - 1000 Pound Bend - Trams - Lots of laneways Come out of the shadows.

Leaving tomorrow [04 Apr 2012|11:25am] Melbourne this time! Gosh - so well travelled! At such a young age! I'm so blessed! Come out of the shadows.

Hi Jock [02 Apr 2012|09:36am] What I meant by fixing myself was not so much because I thought that I wasn't good enough and needed to become better. I meant that I am sick of thinking that I am not good enough. I know I am not good enough, but irrationality and negative mental habits prevent me from truly believing that. In a similar way that when I am up at the top of a tall building, I am scared to look down. In spite of all logical thought processes that I am safe, that the act of looking is harmless, irrational fear kicks in. And in "fixing" myself I would like to fix that mindset. It's nice to know that you saw the video. In retrospect, I don't think I should have made it - I mean, I had an exam the next day (but I got a 7 for it anyway). I just thought that while it captured that side of my personality, I also felt that it was exaggerated and forced. Like I was trying too hard to be accepted by the internet. I could make a "sequel", but I don't think I would want to make it public again, and so there's not really a point. The last thing I want to do in my current phase is to look for validation from random viewers on the internet. Having said that, I keep updating my facebook. But whatevr. 2 escapees Come out of the shadows.

Ever had one of those moments... [01 Apr 2012|07:59pm] ...where your own name feels really alien and weird? Yeah. Having one. Come out of the shadows.

What is beauty? [01 Apr 2012|01:46am] I don't know. I don't want to pretend to know. I am just postulating. Beauty is a word that is used to describe what the person applying the word considers to be aesthetically appealing or desirable. In this respect, I think that beauty is extremely subjective - although there are certain things that are popularly believed to be beautiful. Supermodels, landscapes, art. By that definition, though, everything could be considered beautiful by someone. Some people consider dead things to be beautiful, or the act of killing to be beautiful, or the act of hurting someone else. Granted this would be very dark beauty, but we see noir movies and novels that try and capture this all the time. The reason I'm even talking about this is because it was on the cover of a magazine that came with the local paper. Anyway, I find it sad that society forces this standard of beauty on me and people like me. This causes me to lose sight of what I believe to be truly beautiful, and convinces me to believe that because I don't measure up to that standard then I am not beautiful. I am beautiful. I am beautiful in my vulnerability. I am beautiful in the way that my mental cogs tick over in my own unique way. I am beautiful in my uncoordinated movements. I am beautiful in my vitality, and my kindness, and in the way that I want what's best for everyone. But I get told all the time that that is not beauty: it is weakness, and abnormality, and undesirable, and plain, and common. And apparently beauty and these things are mutually exclusive. I don't think so. It's a bit of a contradiction that there is so much literature and media out there that finds beauty in something so tragic and final as death. One could find beauty in the stillness, or the serenity, or the transformation, or the possibilities of the afterlife. Yet, so often we can't see the beauty of our existence - the magic of our own limbs, or the softness of your own child's cheek, or the possibility of our own minds and our own lives. We become absorbed in the beauty of these unattainable gods of celebrity, and in the lives of the similarly famous yet inane, and mundane, and moronic. Anyway, I have a busy day today, and it's not my traditional timing - I usually do this at night before bed, so it feels awkward to have the house full of activity right now. I wanted to get this done, because I promised myself. But I will be starting a gratitude journal, but it's being done by hand. I hope it lasts longer than the one that I tried to start here. But it's a beautiful little book, and I will be filling it with happiness and everything that I love. And this is where I will start to fix myself. Come out of the shadows.

What's happening? [30 Mar 2012|11:12pm] Actually, a hell of a lot. To start with - the big thing is that I bought a house. It's not officially mine yet, but it's under contract. Among the things I have yet to do is buy insurance, and get the necessary inspections done, and get financing sorted. With my family, not a lot has changed. The big one has started doing "gigs" at restaurants that were organised by his music teacher at school, and we've been to a few of those now. Matt's wonderful as always. Me, I'm still working through my own psychological issues, but that much was obvious. Work has been busy. Very busy. I guess it comes and goes in phases like this, but yeah, it's a busy phase. But I'm enjoying it. The girls are living their own lives, which are in their own right frenetic and fascinating. I just got home from the dentist and made a verbal agreement to get my wisdom teeth surgically removed in the next 6 months. Still keeping up with my old internet habits. Been reading audiobooks and finished SO SO SO many. I have missed the absorption of a good story for such a long time because I haven't been able to sit and fix my eyes in one spot for long enough, but these audiobooks are a godsend. And busy day today - Roar game, house things, shopping, party tonight, speech on Monday. So much to do, so little time. --- Up next: What is beauty? Come out of the shadows.

I was going to post this to Matt but didn't and posted it here instead [27 Mar 2012|08:36pm] I was going to send an email with further points to support my argument about Kimbra not being an It girl, at least not at this point in time, but then didn't. For three reasons - 1) I don't think it would change your mind about her anyway, 2) I'd probably come across as obsessive about such a trivial throwaway comment, 3) It would only serve to reinforce my own feelings of inadequacy. I don't know why I'm telling you this, but I felt like emailing you and at least it's honest. ---- One day I'm going to beat my own negativity. One day. Come out of the shadows.

[24 Mar 2012|06:37am] mmm i feel like I owe you something more substantial. I will do it later. Come out of the shadows.

[23 Mar 2012|08:37pm] heeeheeheehoohoo Come out of the shadows.

[21 Mar 2012|07:22pm] morning. better. but still feel a bit groos. Come out of the shadows.

[21 Mar 2012|09:23am] Tired. Feeling total loathing for some people at work. Come out of the shadows.

test [20 Mar 2012|06:10pm] testestest Come out of the shadows.

[17 Mar 2012|09:54pm] Just woke up. Hopeful that today will be productive and awesome. Come out of the shadows.

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